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Siblings - Both Loyal and Rivalous
Author: Linda Milo
Published: 18 May 2006
I remember the day I brought my newborn son home from the hospital. I had
prepared my three other children about his new arrival – or I thought I did!
I showed him off lovingly to his older brother, who took one look at him and
said, “take him back!” I am thankful that this attitude didn’t continue
throughout their lifetime, but I do know of many parents who are still not
comfortable leaving their children together alone in the same room!
Siblings are children, regardless of sex, born from the same parents.
Sibling rivalry is universal. Siblings usually have a fierce relationship.
They are both loyal and rivalous. Sibling relationships present a connection
that outlasts any other relationship in their entire lives. Many of us don’t
stop to think about how much our siblings affected us. In fact, we are
enormously shaped by our siblings, whether they were born before or after
us.
All human beings have three basic needs: 1) the need to be noticed, be
recognized, and be important to others; 2) the need to belong and have
emotional ties; and 3) the need to be safe from harm. These basic needs can
be actualized and the hostility and jealously of siblings can be minimized
if parents follow some of these easy steps:
1. Prepare your children for this new member of the family by letting your
children know exactly what the baby will be like. Get out the photo album
and show them their baby pictures and explain to them that they were tiny
once themselves. Show your child picture books about babies. Have your child
help prepare the baby’s room by being a part of your shopping trips to buy
articles for the newborn.
2. Let each child know that they will become a “Big Brother” or a “Big
Sister” once the newborn arrives. Play this up by describing what privileges
this will allow him, i.e., “You’ll be able to help Mommy feed the baby.”
These privileges help your child to become more grown-up.
3. When you arrive home from the hospital, allow your love and attention to
be focused on the children at home, specifically, the oldest born child.
Allow your significant other to carry the baby into the home, so that your
arms will be free to hug, kiss, and embrace your other children. Spend some
time with your other children before introducing your newborn. After you
have put your children at ease, ask your mate to introduce the baby to his
brothers and sisters. Ask your first-born child, who loves to take charge,
to bring you a baby blanket or a diaper. Let them feel that you need their
assistance at this time.
4. When you are in the hospital giving birth to your newborn, have your mate
give presents to the other children at home. Tell your children that the
baby sent these gifts to them. They will have a good feeling toward this
generous person before they even meet him! After coming home from the
hospital and before showing them their new brother or sister, give each
child another gift from you.
5. When a new baby arrives, there is a feeling of displacement on the part
of your other children. Encourage them to speak openly about this by
commenting, “You wish you were the only one, huh?” or “You wish the baby
weren’t here.” By allowing your children to express what they are feeling
about the arrival of the newborn, they will work through their negative and
hostile feelings by knowing that you understand what they are going through,
i.e., “Now mommy knows.” Help your child or children avoid a sense of guilt
about the way they feel. Tell your child you don’t blame them for feeling as
they do. This is also the time to spend extra-special one-on-one time with
each of your children.
6. Sibling rivalry is defined as the competition between siblings for the
love, approval, and attention of one or both parents. There was a study done
that indicated that siblings fight more often when mom is around (30% more)
and less when dad was around (20%). When the whole family is together
siblings only spent a few minutes of each hour fighting. To promote positive
sibling relationships, try to engage in group activities like starting a
backyard garden or going on a Sunday family walk together.
7. When siblings do fight, as a parent, it’s your job to allow them to not
only vent, but to find solutions to their problems. Parents around the world
have heard “He hit me first!” Before you jump in by telling your children
how to handle their problem, just remind yourself your children need to
learn to solve problems – which is a good thing. Tell them, “Stop fighting.
I know you two can work out a solution to your problem. You can work this
out.” Have your children leave the room and go someplace else. By going to
another room, the energy changes and so does the problem. Don’t become a
referee or take sides.
8. Children all need not only a sense of privacy, but also a sense of
personal belonging. Allow your child to spend time alone with their friends,
without their sibling hanging around. Create a space in each child’s room
that is designated for their own personal things.
9. Let each sibling “shine” around the dinner table daily by asking each
child to mention one thing nice about his brother or sister.
10. Thankfully as your children become teenagers, their bonding becomes
tighter and their rivalry becomes less. There seems to be a more harmonious
relationship. Watching sisters shop together or brothers attend footballs
games together is a heart-warming sight. As we all know personalities differ
and some personality types clash. Parents should not be hard on themselves
if they realize that they did everything they could to bring harmony to
their children’s lives, but their children just aren’t that close or
sympathetic to each other. On the other hand, there are siblings that seem
from the very beginning to be close and loving toward each other. Each
family has its own story to tell of this delicate interplay.
Finally, there aren’t any parents that I’ve met who successfully erased the
friction between their children. Children fight with each other and children
care for each other at different times during their relationship. Parents
who make efforts in bringing harmony to the family should be applauded. Give
your children quality time with you. Play games with them throughout their
childhood because this fosters cooperation, taking turns, friendly
competition and generosity. The beauty of siblings is that one day they will
become mothers and fathers who will share their newborn’s glorious birth
with their aunts and uncles. The circle continues!
About the Author:
Linda Milo, The Parent-Child Connection Coach, specializes in helping mothers
and fathers turn their parenting challenges into a more liveable, more
workable, and more enjoyable family life. Her FREE better parenting
newsletter covers specific, proven, and immediately usable methods for
overcoming the most common parenting challenges. Visit
http://www.empoweringparentsnow.com to subscribe to her FREE
newsletter, and you’ll also receive her FREE Special Report as a bonus.
Source: www.isnare.com
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